What is going on with me....

I have had depression for what seems my whole life. I would like to say I could remember some times when I was happy, could take life for what it was and cope with all the ups and downs it threw at me. But I can't. The last 18mths in particular have been incredibly hard. Not just on me, but on my family of 6 lovely kids and my husband of 17 years Peter. In October 2006 I completely lost the plot, disappeared and attempted to take my own life. This resulted in a two week "holiday" in Hillmorton Hospital, where, the "experts" told me a good 12 week course of CBT would see me right. In November of the same year I took a massive overdose. I was on life support after deteriorating so badly that I was put in an induced coma. After a short public hospital stay I was readmitted to Hillmorton. Two nights later I was home. I was give scripts with enough pills to down an elephant in minutes. It never took long to build a supply big enough to kill. I managed to keep going with regular check-ins with a case manager and psychiatrist. The person who could do the real work with me (Rob) was busy and I had to wait for him to have space to see me. I am incredibly glad that I hung on, this man is my rock! In January of 2007 I began my weekly appointments with Rob (sometimes more often). The work is slow and at times incredibly painful. I cannot imagine talking these things through with anyone else. I have a long way to go. It is incredibly discouraging at times to look ahead and wonder if I will "ever get there" - wherever that is! And often looking back and feeling I have not made any progress has me on the brink of giving up daily. But I have learnt in the dark times that I have many supports to call upon. Friends, family, psych emergency, Maggie my case manager (who is awesome!) and Rob, my ever reassuring, gentle but firm psychologist. Together we are wading through 37 years off "stuff". We hop and jump from one moment, one memory, one experience in all shades of red, purple and blue. Sometimes all smeared together. Sometimes but more rarely brilliantly vivid! I hope that as I write this blog I will be able to help make some sense of my life, my thoughts and most of all my feelings, many of which have been so suppressed they have become enemies to be feared. Let's see where this takes me.