So today depression is kicking in good and proper. I am tired, teary and moody. I know some of the contributing factors but have not had an opportunity to be able to address them. Other things I just don't know and I hate feeling like this.

I am struggling. Trying not to cry and lose myself. I am not sure what it is in particular, but I just feel wrecked. And it's hard.

Well that was incredibly hard work. I hate it when something is mentioned and I immediatelly I am "back there". Frozen with fear, unable to speak, can 't move. It happens so easily and even with Rob who is completely trustworthy. And afterwards it takes me a long time to come back to reality and feel grounded and in the present again. I am really tired. I wish it was one of those things where I could do therapy non stop for a week solid and be done with it! But I can't. I am to tell myself two things over and over for the next week. 1. I did not let this happen to me 2. I am like a rabbit in the headlights, frozen with fear and that's not my fault I respond that way. Rob said other feelings may come up because of that, like anger. Wonder what I am supposed to do with that? Would quite like to be able to bash those necessary but apparently revenge isn't the best idea. Sometimes sounds perfectly reasonable to me....

Rob this morning! Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Another 4km cycle this evening! I think I did it in less time too! Yeah! And recovering from being so puffed is taking a shorter time, I think I may (must may) be getting a little fitter! :-)

Went for a walk this morning for about an hour. Took the dog but forgot to take plastic bags (ick) why do they need to poop the minute they are out on a lead? I ask you! Was nice and sunny! Am hoping to go for a bike ride tonight - but considering I had a walk I will not punish myself too much if I don't! It needs to cool down alot more tho. It will be a good way to distract myself from thinking about seeing Rob tomorrow and help wear me out for a good sleep. I did my measurements this morning but will put them on another time when I am feeling braver. I plan to measure each Monday. Right off to make gravy for our roast dinner, I wonder if I will sink after I eat?

I cycled nearly 4km tonight! Yay me!

I swing between staying as I am and accepting where I am at (physically I am talking) and getting fitter and healthier. Which one is more acceptable, which one can I live with? I just don't know. I have Rob on Tuesday - Sunday I start thinking about it, getting a bit anxious and wondering what on earth will we talk about this week, how will I react to it and look forward to it being over! I rarely have a set idea on what to talk about and so at the moment we are working through a journal I left with him. He says I write so well and clearly. And yet, when it comes to talking about it I am stunted and stricken. Fear swallows me up and in my panic to gain some control of the over whelming feelings I switch it all off and go into "hide mode". I go quiet and far away. It is only Rob's gentleness and kind persistence that often brings me back. I struggle to stay "in the room", we are working hard on that one!

I have been trying to be healthier with what I eat and incorporate exercise into my day. Peter bought me a bike for Christmas, which I wanted and was very keen to start using. However I am puffing after 5 mins and my muscles burn. I thought I would get used to it but after a week I am no better. It is very discouraging. And I am not losing any weight either. I wonder if I am fighting an uphill battle when I am taking an anti-depressant (effexor) that has a side effect of weight gain. I am also anaemic and need to pick up my script from the doctor's for iron. Perhaps when I am not so tired it will be a little easier? And I wonder if just losing weight on it's own to start with would be better? A dear friend and I went cycling while I was on holiday at their place. She put me through a 30 min bike ride, which to her was easy. She is not fit but she is slim. Perhaps being lighter helps in the first place. I know I am seeing the dietician soon so will ask them all these things. Until then I will continue to watch what I eat and drink. I am weighing in at 90kg and am around 5'5". I know I am overweight. I hate the way my belly looks, "muffin top" barely describes my overflowing waist at the top of my jeans. Of course, hipsters look worse, but that doesn't mean it is ok to weigh this much just cos' I can hide it in a pair of higher fitting pants. So on we go....

What is going on with me....

I have had depression for what seems my whole life. I would like to say I could remember some times when I was happy, could take life for what it was and cope with all the ups and downs it threw at me. But I can't. The last 18mths in particular have been incredibly hard. Not just on me, but on my family of 6 lovely kids and my husband of 17 years Peter. In October 2006 I completely lost the plot, disappeared and attempted to take my own life. This resulted in a two week "holiday" in Hillmorton Hospital, where, the "experts" told me a good 12 week course of CBT would see me right. In November of the same year I took a massive overdose. I was on life support after deteriorating so badly that I was put in an induced coma. After a short public hospital stay I was readmitted to Hillmorton. Two nights later I was home. I was give scripts with enough pills to down an elephant in minutes. It never took long to build a supply big enough to kill. I managed to keep going with regular check-ins with a case manager and psychiatrist. The person who could do the real work with me (Rob) was busy and I had to wait for him to have space to see me. I am incredibly glad that I hung on, this man is my rock! In January of 2007 I began my weekly appointments with Rob (sometimes more often). The work is slow and at times incredibly painful. I cannot imagine talking these things through with anyone else. I have a long way to go. It is incredibly discouraging at times to look ahead and wonder if I will "ever get there" - wherever that is! And often looking back and feeling I have not made any progress has me on the brink of giving up daily. But I have learnt in the dark times that I have many supports to call upon. Friends, family, psych emergency, Maggie my case manager (who is awesome!) and Rob, my ever reassuring, gentle but firm psychologist. Together we are wading through 37 years off "stuff". We hop and jump from one moment, one memory, one experience in all shades of red, purple and blue. Sometimes all smeared together. Sometimes but more rarely brilliantly vivid! I hope that as I write this blog I will be able to help make some sense of my life, my thoughts and most of all my feelings, many of which have been so suppressed they have become enemies to be feared. Let's see where this takes me.