So today depression is kicking in good and proper. I am tired, teary and moody. I know some of the contributing factors but have not had an opportunity to be able to address them. Other things I just don't know and I hate feeling like this.

I am struggling. Trying not to cry and lose myself. I am not sure what it is in particular, but I just feel wrecked. And it's hard.

Well that was incredibly hard work. I hate it when something is mentioned and I immediatelly I am "back there". Frozen with fear, unable to speak, can 't move. It happens so easily and even with Rob who is completely trustworthy. And afterwards it takes me a long time to come back to reality and feel grounded and in the present again. I am really tired. I wish it was one of those things where I could do therapy non stop for a week solid and be done with it! But I can't. I am to tell myself two things over and over for the next week. 1. I did not let this happen to me 2. I am like a rabbit in the headlights, frozen with fear and that's not my fault I respond that way. Rob said other feelings may come up because of that, like anger. Wonder what I am supposed to do with that? Would quite like to be able to bash those necessary but apparently revenge isn't the best idea. Sometimes sounds perfectly reasonable to me....

Rob this morning! Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Another 4km cycle this evening! I think I did it in less time too! Yeah! And recovering from being so puffed is taking a shorter time, I think I may (must may) be getting a little fitter! :-)

Went for a walk this morning for about an hour. Took the dog but forgot to take plastic bags (ick) why do they need to poop the minute they are out on a lead? I ask you! Was nice and sunny! Am hoping to go for a bike ride tonight - but considering I had a walk I will not punish myself too much if I don't! It needs to cool down alot more tho. It will be a good way to distract myself from thinking about seeing Rob tomorrow and help wear me out for a good sleep. I did my measurements this morning but will put them on another time when I am feeling braver. I plan to measure each Monday. Right off to make gravy for our roast dinner, I wonder if I will sink after I eat?

I cycled nearly 4km tonight! Yay me!